Sanity Check
by GigiLuVe
Summary: Shepard's gone, but not forgotten. Never forgotten. A difficult loss for the crew of the Normandy, for the galaxy, is impossible for the one man who knew the woman behind the hero. In an attempt to gain some closure, he returns to the spot where they had once shared a meal…and an understanding. Oneshot *ME3 Spoilers*


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Mass Effect series or any of its characters. The genius belongs to Bioware.

 **Title:** Sanity Check

 **Summary:** Shepard's gone, but not forgotten. Never forgotten. A difficult loss for the crew of the Normandy, for the galaxy, is impossible for the one man who knew the woman behind the hero. In an attempt to gain some closure, he returns to the spot where they had once shared a meal…and an understanding. *ME3 Spoilers*

 **Author's Note:** So I know for a fact that this one shot has done before. It has also probably been done much better, but this is my take, and I won't have closure myself until I get it out. This idea came to me while I was playing through the original Mass Effect trilogy for about the 100th time. I always play a femShep, and I either romance Kaidan or Garrus. However, after so many play throughs, as awesome and bad ass as Garrus is, especially in the second and third installment, I can't help favoring the romance with Kaidan. I know these scenes are better because he is the default choice, but I still find it adorable…for the most part.

Therefore, through all of their interactions, this little one shot came into my head.

So, this is a femShep and Kaidan romance fanfic. It also based off of the conversation they had on the Citadel when he asks Shepard to meet him for a meal at the little café. Enjoy!

 **Sanity Check**

"This is a bad idea. Why did I ever let you talk me into this?"

"Me? It was all your idea, Kaidan. I'm just along for the ride."

"That's what you always say."

Kaidan Alenko walked through the presidium commons as if he was walking through a mine field. Just three years after the Reaper invasion and the Citadel appeared untouched. Most, if not all, of the refugees had returned home once the danger had passed, which allowed the cleanup and reconstruction process to wrap up sooner than expected. It had been three years since Kaidan had set foot on the Citadel—three years since he had seen or spoken with any of the crew members of the Normandy, not that they hadn't tried to check in on him, but to no avail. And, three years since Shepard…

He glanced over at the woman walking next to him—the very same woman who had been his commander all throughout the struggle with the Reapers, who he had given his heart to, who had given her own life to unite synthetics and organics in peace. Shepard walked next to him, matching him stride for stride, appearing as real to him as any living person. A small smirk pulled up the side of his mouth as reassurance flooded him.

"I'm glad you're with me, Shepard," he said gruffly. "I don't think I could have done this without you."

She looked over at him, smiling the way she always did, as if she knew something that he didn't. "You mean you don't like it when a bunch of strangers stare at you?"

He caught the eye of a passerby then shifted his gaze to note that the next one stared at him with the same concerned expression. Ducking his head, he rubbed at the thick scruff that had populated his jaw, and ran his hand through his dark locks that were in some serious need of attention.

"I guess I should have cleaned up a bit," he mused.

"A bit?" Shepard teased.

He shrugged. "Some things just don't seem as important these days."

"You know, Kaidan, they might be more concerned that you seem to be talking to yourself," Shepard said.

His smile faded and his mind sobered momentarily. He could feel his heart breaking all over again. He knew Shepard wasn't actually there next to him. He knew that she had died. But, his mind had created a ghost of the woman he loved to help him cope with the fact that he would never be able to see her again. His palms still tingled with the touch of her on that last night. His ears still echoed with her laugh, her voice. Yet, all of this was fleeting. All of these lingering pieces of her were starting to fade away. He was scared of what would happen to him once they were all gone.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly, placing a hand gently upon his shoulder.

"I just-" he started, giving off a sad smile, "I can't lose you, Shepard."

"You never will, Kaidan," she reassured. "I'll always be right here, as long as you need me. But, I know you. You are more than capable of looking after yourself."

"Like on Virmire?" he scoffed.

"Don't say that!" She stopped him in his tracks, facing him head on. "I carried the blame for Ashley's death on my shoulders for so long. I was left with an impossible choice, and I chose you. That doesn't make it your fault."

"But if I had been able to-"

"No," she interrupted. "No looking back. There's nothing you can change about the past." She offered him a reassuring smile, bringing her hand up to caress his cheek. "Besides, I think we've arrived. Isn't this where you wanted to take me?"

Kaidan looked beyond Shepard to Apollo's Café. There were a few more tables than he remembered, but the layout was still the same. Their table was untouched.

He smiled. "Come on."

He led the way into the little café and to the table. He pulled out the chair for Shepard before taking up the seat across from her. They had barely gotten comfortable when a waiter stopped at their table. However, Kaidan didn't need any extra time to mull over his order. He had already known what he was going to get well before arriving.

"Canadian lager and a steak sandwich."

The Canadian drink had made its way onto the Citadel amongst the massive amount of trade that was occurring since the Reapers. Even if there wasn't as large of a supply, he knew that he would be able to get one. All of the races were united, just as Shepard had wanted.

Once the waiter had stepped away, Kaidan smiled at Shepard. "So, do you remember our last visit here?"

"Of course I do," she replied. "You had called it our sanity check."

"Well it helped, didn't it?" He chuckled.

"It certainly did."

She looked at him with a glint in her eye that he knew all about. It was on that occasion that they had come to the understanding and realization of their feelings for one another, and that those feelings were not going away anytime soon.

"Is this supposed to be another sanity check, Kaidan?"

Joy drained from him. "I guess in a way it is." He had never actually said his reasons aloud, but it seemed to be the right answer when he did. "I don't know why now, Shepard, but…" He trailed off, trying to think of the answer.

But Shepard was quick, as usual. "…it just felt right," she finished. "Kaidan, it's time."

He shook his head. "No, it's too soon."

"Why else would you feel the need to come here?" she insisted.

"I don't know, Shepard. Maybe I actually am crazy."

"Kaidan," she said sadly, reaching over and placing her hand over his, "you're not crazy. You're still in mourning, that's all."

Kaidan scoffed. "Yeah, that's all. I'm just in mourning over the love of my life, who died three years ago saving this entire galaxy."

"I didn't mean to sound cold."

"I know you didn't. It's just that you're not easy to get over, Shepard."

"Don't you think I would be as crushed if I had lost you?"

"But you didn't. Because you were the one that went on ahead," he insisted, the volume of his voice growing a little louder than was comfortable.

At that moment, the waiter returned with the ordered items. He set them down in front of Kaidan, who attempted to appear as calm and normal as possible. But, the look in his eye revealed that he must have overheard. Kaidan simply nodded his appreciation to the waiter, who turned and left immediately afterward.

Kaidan sighed. "I asked you not to leave me behind. If I had been there, Shepard-"

"If you had been there, Kaidan, you would have died, too! Just like Anderson."

"But you might have survived. The whole galaxy cares about Commander Shepard, but who cares if Kaidan Alenko lives?"

"I do," she whispered, staring him in the eyes. "I care, Kaidan. I always have cared about you and I always will. Do you remember what I said to you the last time we saw each other?"

Kaidan swallowed back pain and nodded his head. "Of course I do. I think about that every single day."

"I told you that I love you and that I always will, no matter what." Her voice was low, cracking with sadness. "Everything I did was to secure a future with you, Kaidan. But, in the end, there was no other choice. So, I made sure that you would survive. Because, it was always you, and I didn't want a world," she chuckled and corrected herself, "hell, a galaxy without you in it."

Silence passed between them for a moment.

"You're not going to eat your sandwich?" Shepard asked.

"I'm not hungry anymore."

"No way, Kaidan. That's your favorite, and you wouldn't stop complaining about not being able to find that lager anywhere."

He sighed. "I'm scared."

"I am, too." She held his hand gently across the table.

"You know, I loved you, Shepard. I loved you so much. I would have done anything for you if you would have just given me the chance." He studied her face. "We've been through a hell of a lot together, and I can never share that with anyone else. So, I will always love you, no matter what."

"And you know I will always love you, Kaidan. I'll always be with you, even if you can't see me anymore. You just have to trust me." She brought her other hand up and caressed his cheek.

He smiled as much as he could manage, feeling as though he needed to comfort her. He retracted his hand to maneuver his dish more centrally in front of him. He looked down at his meal. "I wish you could enjoy this with me." He chuckled. "You would have-" He stopped, forgetting his words.

Shepard was gone, and Kaidan knew that she wasn't going to come back. He was alone.


End file.
